Based on what has transpired the last several days, it is a veritable miracle that I am still alive. I have not written on the blog since Monday, October 5th and there is a very good reason for this.
On Tuesday, October 6th (my birthday) I was fired. I simultaneously laughed at the irony as if it was some cruel trick from the universe, while at the same time believing that there was some method behind the madness. That there was a reason for it that had not been revealed to me. Before searching for this reason, however, I gave my optimistic hat a break for a few days and basically went deep into a drunken abyss marinating in my self-loathing and pity. You may have, by now, noticed a thread or a pattern throughout my posts. I have an uber-serious drinking problem. Of course, I could illuminate this fact through a variety of stories – of which many you wouldn’t believe and which all are equally frightening, but I’m going to save that for my book. All I will say is that it’s a miracle that I am alive.
I was fired for losing the company blackberry (and yes this happened during one of my benders). I went into the employee agency after a 3 day bender to pick up my severance check and was met by this, “First, let me give you a hug.” The woman who runs the agency sat me down and we talked for about an hour. I’m not going to go into detail – even this being anonymous – I want to protect those I’m writing about by not revealing too much. Suffice it to say, I found my reason for getting fired. Someone threw me a life raft – the door opened to me that I’ve been waiting for. Had I not been fired, we never would have had this candid conversation.
So I gave myself a few days to numb out and then finally (after much resistance, and full of anti-opinions about it) have decided to go to AA. I definitely have my reservations about the organization for a multitude of reasons – but I don’t have $20,000 to go to a holistic/effective, rehab center and quite simply, I can’t afford to keep drinking unless I want my parents to attend the funeral of their child; something that no parent should ever have to endure. So I’m going to take what I can get right now – and while I do not believe talk therapy can necessarily cure addictive biochemistry, which is in fact, the real problem, it’s a start. It’s a life raft, until I have the $20,000 to go to the place I have in mind to truly heal and detox my system, which I absolutely believe is necessary. Sitting around drinking coffee, consuming massive amounts of sugar, or smoking cigarettes, labeling ourselves as alcoholics, and talking about how powerless we are, is not really constructive I do not believe. Just trading one addiction or dependency for another. But it’s all I have right now, so I’m going to use AA to tide me over until things start coming back together for me. The key with anything in the universe is to ‘Use it, Don’t Let it Use You.’
So I’m going to use AA for a few months, then I’ll be on my own merry way. It’s just the beginning step in my healing – not the end-all.
I’m so grateful for being fired. Can you imagine? It’s leading me towards growth. As one of my favourite dudes in the Whole Wide World said:
“He not busy being born is busy dying.” – Bob Dylan