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I’m Younger Than That Now

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Having revolved my life around recreational drinking and  frivolous socializing the past 10 years, and transitioning to a much brighter, clearer state of mind has not come without a price.  It’s easy to ignore life, bitter losses and harsh realities when you spend the majority of your free time just checking out.  One of the images‘perks’ (if you could call it such) of being 100% clear and aware is the bitter realization of wasted time.  Although I am in my early thirties, I can see how my compulsive drinking in virtually every moment of my free time did nothing more than put a pause button on my life.  Granted, there were countless fun times, but that wasted time can never be brought back.  Instead of wasting even more time in regret and despair, I choose to man the only thing I’m in control of – the right now.  Time is an illusion anyway.  Yesterday does not exist nor does tomorrow.  The only thing is this very moment.   That said, I have ramped up the O-Living-Meter to full throttle to squeeze every last drop of marrow out of life that I can.  This reaction to wasted time is so much more constructive than regret or comparison. 

There is another bittersweet pill to take with this whole sucking the marrow out of life thing.  I have noticed that the more engaged I become with life, the more passionate I become about life, the more I want to do, to understand, to learn and to experience.  This playground is absolutely limitless with things to do and conquer.  To be so engaged and in love with life can also bite you in the ass.  It’s like taking a huge swig of vinegar to realize that you’re falling more in love with something that is promised to be taken away from you.  I could of course spend even more time in worry and despair dwelling on this fact.  Or, I could choose to believe (which I do) that this is not necessarily the end.  Energy never dies, it just changes form.  So whether it’s a matter of being overly pensive about wasted time or about living a life that ‘seems’ finite, I’m going to shelve those worn out rags.  I may have entertained those ideas in the past, …..’but I was so much older then.  I’m younger than that now.’ – Bob Dylan

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