I’m feeling bitter today so forgive me while I expel some misanthropic phlegm. I either woke up on the wrong side of the bed, the barometric pressure is too high or I’m having an allergy attack from too much holiday spirit; but I am grouchy today and unapologetic about it – forewarned is forearmed. So today I’m giving attention to those things causing me an excessive amount of irritation. Please just give me the room to be a bitch today. Thank you. It’s better for everyone.
Small Talk: I hate it. Although people awkwardly watching numbers in elevators may disagree with me, I think small talk is totally useless and irritating. I think I would rather be sunbathing by a mosquito-infested swamp in the tropics rather than trapped in an elevator or at a company party forced to make small talk with someone. And that’s exactly what it is – forced. It’s conversation you don’t want to have, don’t care about and doesn’t come naturally but that you have to have so you don’t come off as a royal asshole. “Hey, how was your weekend? Great, yours? Oh, it was great, we took the kids down to Disneyland but Noah got sick on the way back. Oh, that’s a shame – those kids are like walking petrie dishes. <<Ding>> Well, here’s my stop. Hey, you have a good day now. You too, take care.” OMG. Shoot me in the face please. For whatever reason, the “etiquette” of small talk seems to be more rampant in the U.S. It probably started with all that smiley-faced “Have a nice day.” crap. Basically anytime you’re peppering your conversation with superficial fluff and asking people questions while simultaneously walking away forgetting that you don’t care about hearing the answer, it’s considered a
“good business practice.” Hot forks in eyes please!!! What is the point of blathering on with filler conversation that isn’t remotely interesting. There IS a point right? How revolting. Misanthropic tendency #1.
Inappropriately Quiet Speakers: It also irks me when I can’t hear people speak – either in person or on the phone. You know the type of person I’m talking about. The kind that can’t seem to muster the strength to speak above a whisper; like they’re learning a new language and are unsure of themselves. Perhaps it’s the woman trying to convince you she’s a passive geisha who doesn’t know how to speak above 15 decibels. Or that flatliner with low blood sugar who gives the impression he doesn’t feel anything he has to say is worth hearing. It’s infuriating. I’d rather be yelled at or greeted with closed-mouth silence, but please don’t make me strain to hear you or waste energy asking you to speak up. And I know that you go home and yell at your kids, so cease and desist with the quiet/shy game.
Passive Oglers: I’m not even talking about the catcalls from construction workers. I’m talking about those types of men who spend inordinate amounts of time staring, as if the women in a bar were wares at a Sotheby’s auction. Of course, they never walk up to enquire about the item or place a bid – this is San Francisco after all. In New York, a man would be on you in five minutes of walking into a public place and already have started a conversation. Here, our lions (lionesses?) just hang back and watch, intimidated and subservient. Tres annoying. Grow a set, please. One need not be crass in order to be assertive or masculine. Being a gentleman always works, but so does a little testosterone.
Quasi-Celebrities Who Are Taking Up Unnecessary Space & Oxygen and Reality TV: Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt, The Kardashians, Paris Hilton, Courtney Love, Lindsay Lohan, Tom Cruise, Jessica Simpson, Dr. Phil McGraw, Jon & Kate, and last but not least, Octo-mom. Heidi, Spencer, The Kardashians, Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton are all vapid attention whores. Courtney
and Lindsay are conspicuous and cringeable train wrecks. Tom Cruise is a loco, narcissistic, control freak and fanatical cult-follower while still managing to monopolize the prize for “Not the Sharpest Tool in the Shed.” Dr. Phil McGraw is annoying and just the type of Mr. Fix-It, holier-than-thou shrink who I would expect to divorce his wife after he made it big or cheat on her with a stewardess explaining away that he is not perfect, although he still gives perfect advice. Jon & Kate are barnacles on the bottom of a boat when it comes to scraping every last crumb of fame out of an already shallow bucket. Octo-Mom is a circus and an embarrassment to the tree that made the paper that gives her press. Reality TV? Don’t get me started, I’d like to keep my blood pressure on the low side of high today. Suffice it to say, it’s all Krapfelgergen. If you can name one worthwhile Reality show and 3 reasons why it’s worth the time to watch, I’ll puree my eyeballs and drink them in a smoothie. Most of it is mediocre voyeurism at best.
I think I’m feeling a little bit better now. Much better than had I plastered on a fake smile and told someone what a great day I was having or asked them what kind of toast they had for breakfast.