Spend every last waking moment getting suitably neurotic about presents. Check. Wait in airport lines full of people who look like they can’t wait to get to their destination or can’t wait to break their collarbone, one of the two. Check. Resent well-meaning co-workers and holiday hostesses for pushing sugary treats on you and forcing you into the New Year’s resolution you most hate – that evil gym one. Check. Why is it that with all the good cheer and festivities of the holidays, most of us are swept with dread the minute the Thanksgiving turkey goes down our esophagus and the Christmas cheer simultaneously invades? Why is it we can’t wait to fast forward well into January when we finally get back to some semblance of normalcy?
Well, instead of droning on year in and out let’s plan our exodus from the island of the mundane. My ideas below for escaping our isle of holiday monotony and heading to Funland far, far away:
#1. Instead of presents this year, show a PPT presentation with Bono as the soundtrack as you click through slides of unfortunates. As everyone’s face registers a vague look of, “Ok, where is this going?”, inform them all that this year you’ve decided to get them gift certificates to their favourite charity.
#2. Before the PPT presentation, install a hidden camera to record the immediate looks of indignation and fear that slowly turn to fake gracious looks and “Hey, great ideas!” as they attempt to avoid looking like greedy wenches and warlocks. Show their reactions to the charity gift idea later to further drive home the point of their greed and misprioritization.
#3. Banish them to the Misguided Mistletoe for their Misanthropic Misappropriation of Funds and Love and make them list their top 3 favourite possessions to be doled out to the next 3 strangers they see.
#4. Instead of bringing the usual predictable Christmas goodies to the family gathering, bring something totally unexpected and inappropriate like a Tofu Seaweed Casserole or peanut butter and jelly gingersnap cookie sandwiches. “What? I didn’t know!”
#5. Similarly, nix the gaudy God-forsaken holiday sweaters or sweatshirts that should have been a sin to have ever been stitched and show up in disco garb, telling them that your spouse told you it was Disco Christmas! Bring red and green jello shots to drive the 70’s theme home and get them drunk so you have more fodder for YouTube filming fun.
#6. Anytime anyone tries to hug you, jump back and say, “Ma! Don’t touch the heh, eh-reht?!”
#7. Refuse to wrap gifts in the traditional Christmas wrapping paper. Instead, wrap the gifts in poopy baby diapers which already have sticky tape attached, explaining that your approach is two-fold: you wanted to both honor a Green Christmas and Baby Jesus this year.
#8. Drive to the celebration in a rented horse and carriage but make the driver dress up as Santa and put reindeer antlers on the horses. Bring a boom box and blast this. Attract as much attention as possible from the neighbours. Try to call Channel 4 before your arrival and leave an anonymous tip that you saw Santa and his reindeers at your parents address.
#9. At the end of the meal, instead of helping to wash the dishes, hurl them out the back door and exclaim with indignation, “The rats and raccoons deserve fine china too!”
#10. Pick a random city out of a hat and take a detour to that city instead. Spend Christmas with a strange family in Anchorage, Alaska rather than at home. Live stream your experience into the home of your real family so everyone can watch the celebration on video.