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Dangerous Toiletries

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Having returned from my trip I can’t help but marvel at how much reason permeates every choice TSA makes.  I’m glad the “security” measures the power-wielding Gen-Xers used on my luggage out of SFO were in place to protect us all.  I even noticed that my sleep that night was more sound than usual.  It’s so gratifying knowing we’re protected.

First, my flight out was fairly early in the morning so I’m sure the TSA hawks were hungrier for game and more prone to power-tripping than they may have been mid-day during the mad rush.  They decided to run both of my bags twice through the scanner and I was led over to another area where I got special attention from the young lad with extremely close-cropped hair.  His voice was very brusque and business-like and I had a soft spot for him because I got the impression that he had really wanted to be a cop but perhaps failed the examination.  Now instead of cuffing people, reading them Miranda rights and straddling the line of force and brutality, he would have to exert his power over my dangerous toiletries and nefarious plans. 

As he was examining each and every bathroom item with a bloodthirsty gaze I looked over and saw a 60-something man being robbed of all dignity as an employee was grabbing around his privates region and a whole line of people walked through a new X-ray machine, disgustingly submissive and compliant.  This has not yet been installed in all airport security areas, but by the end of 2010 we can expect to see them everywhere.  I’ve read about these and really had to fight back the indignation vocally so Mr. TSA wouldn’t take my eye cream.  As each individual walks through, he is to lift his arms as a picture is taken of him to view any thing that may be hidden under clothes.  The X-ray camera can view each individual naked.  I asked Kojak if that large contraption over there was an X-ray machine that photographed people naked.   “Well, yes.”  he tells me.  “But don’t worry, because the person viewing the camera is not even in this building.”

<<Needle on record screeches to a halt.>>  Oh! Well, oh! Isn’t that comforting to know? Heavens to mergatroid let’s go through the machine then! Fortunately, I somehow made it past the machine this time, but I’m sure I will randomly be subjected to this in the future.  Kojak asked me if I had contact cases in my bag.  I told him that yes, I had a couple.  “We’re not sure if we like that.”  I was told.   No joke! In effort to derail a potentially dictatorial situation, I assured him I agreed with him, … “Look, I don’t like having to haul them around and wear them 16 hours a day either, but I’m too afraid of Lasik surgery.”  Now. May I go?

So as not to be seen wasting his time he victoriously found my toothpaste and told me it would have to be thrown out.  Yes, sir.  Then he found a large 8oz bottle of shampoo and said, “I’m sorry ma’am, I’m going to have to throw this out.  It is in not in accordance with our 3 oz. carry-on rule.” <<inject attempts at reason>>  “But there is less than 2 oz. of shampoo in the 8 oz. bottle.  And 2 oz. is less than 3.”  “Yes, but the bottle is 8oz.”   Well, my apologies sir, now you’re making sense!  So glad he went over my head on that one and made the executive decision to get rid of the tea-tree shampoo at the bottom of my bottle which is a known explosive.   Would anyone be surprised if I said that my very full 8oz bottle of conditioner was left in the bag?  Yeah, this is what we call bullsh*t security.  Security is not throwing a bunch of names on a list, randomly checking out people naked, and spending an inordinate amount of time examining girly items.  If I was any threat to the plane don’t you think I would be smart enough to do whatever was necessary to fly way below the radar?  My mistake.  I keep forgetting reason does not come into play in any of these searches.  I have no problem being slightly inconvenienced for beefed up security at airports.  But I actually feel less safe with these buffoons in place, not more.  Is it too much to ask to use a modicum of intelligence and reason?   Can we get some special forces (Uh, That Means the IDF!) in here and take out some of the barely post-pubescent, power-hungry idiots riding on their wave of self-importance as the real threats glide through?  I had to go out of my way to come down from this debacle so it didn’t ruin my trip.  Fortunately, the trip back from LAX to SFO was quick and painless.  Again, it was busier so they probably weren’t as bored.

The vegetable kingdom is the only kingdom constantly fighting the natural law of gravity.  Its growth is contingent on breaking this natural law and growing upwards.  For our own growth, we often have to fight our natures – whatever that may happen to be at any given moment.  By the time I take a trip again, maybe I will have transformed my nature from indignance towards idiocy to a submissively sheep-like compliance as I beg TSA to go through the tightest security measures explaining that my only desire is to be as compliant and cooperative as possible.  Of course, that would probably cease to be fun for them at which point they might let me sail through.  Hmm, perhaps I should try that next time..a little restriction and reverse psychology.

Needless to say, my trip to LA produced this little missive/formal complaint to our friends, the TSA:


And whether we are exposing people to radiation levels through full-body scanners or groping everything from a 3 year old’s penis to a 78 year old woman’s vagina)

Here’s a brilliant idea. Why don’t we stop fumbling around and study and employ what WORKS.

The TSA is about to become even more irrelevant and ineffective by becoming unionized which will relegate security to sublimated status.

If TSA is genuinely concerned about security, then it is my suggestion that as part of their training (or continuing education) they are required to learn from the Israelis, who are on top of their security and avert terrorist threats like the Road Runner.

Citizens are going to revolt. 4th Amendment violations are just the beginning. Unionization will be a complete disaster….if of course, the most important thing is national security and not padding the pocket$.

You can file this under both a suggestion and a complaint.”


3 responses »

  1. This is a great post! No shit, he took the empty shampoo and left you the full conditioner. I’m absolutely not suprised, and I agree that these lowest-common-denominator mouth-breathers could be traded in for some folks with working brain cells and we’d all be a lot safer. We don’t need x-ray porn machines, we need common sense.

  2. Lol! thx… Word. Amen to that sistah.

  3. Pingback: Am I Allowed To Say This? Eh, F— It « You've Been Blogged!

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