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Howard Stern: The Newest Victim of Twitter

What is the past tense of twitter anyway? I’m not feeling “twittered” or “twitted” so I’m coining a new phrase and I hope it catches on.  Howard is a certifiable twatbird now.  In fact, you might not believe this but Howard twatted eight times in the last 24 hours. That is once every two hours of his waking life, unless he’s twittering through his insomnia in which case it would be three.  But that’s neither here nor there.  I’m not complaining.  I am a fan of Howard’s truth-speaking and self-deprecating advertising of his neuroses and small penis.  I find it charming. Frankly, I find people who don’t get Howard, instantly find themselves in a category.  The name of this category is a compound word: the antonym of which is downloose. Can anyone guess what it is? That’s right, you got it.  Uptight.

On a more serious note, I would like to venture a guess at what’s next. We have Facebook, which was entirely too much of a commitment of time, and then we have twitter, which is really manna from heaven for those who are both narcissistic and have ADD.

Facebook was that platform where we posted and advertised about how fabulous our lives are, even though, if you’re spending that much time posting about your life through status and photos, you probably don’t have one.  Twitter, of course, is a 10 second commitment as you vomit out a few syllables on your keypad to your few to many followers.  In fact, Twitter is brilliant because it combines sex and religion. You’re twatting to your followers as if you were Jesus of Cyberspace telling parables of 140 characters – or at least that’s the illusion you get to create for yourself. 

What I would like to know is, what’s next?  Are we on the brink of a new social media that lets us puke out one alphabet letter at a time, and if a certain number of people are staring at their computer screens or iphones when we post the little letter, they respond with their own alphabet letter? Let’s use our imagination here – if the letters match you immediately find yourselves in a private chat room. It might sound nonsensical but this where we’re heading: a purely autistic society where our only relevancy to connect is behind a screen.

The irony is, no one is really getting on Facebook or Twitter to read other people’s Twats or look at other people’s Faces while they are Friending strangers! They’re only getting on to post their own Facebook albums and Twat about their own Twats!  Something is very wrong here. Am I the only one that notices this, or does it just seem normal because everybody is doing it?

Come back from the ledge, Howard. Don’t get too close. Facebook and Twitter want your soul. Oh, and one more thing. We love your twats. Just don’t quit your day job. We need you.