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Portrait of a Pimp: Eas’side vs. Wes’side

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Today, boys and girls, we are going to compare and contrast the mating dances of two vastly different breeds of man: the East Coast Man vs. the West Coast Man, hereafter referred to as ECMs and WCMs.

Below, I will outline the fundamental divergence of attitudes and give storybook examples to illustrate. Upon summary, you may decide whether you want to keep your East Coast or West Coast passport, or whether you want to defect to the other side and start narrowing your focus in the dating pool.

Where WCMs have a sense of entitlement, ECMs sing for their supper without complaining.

It won’t be unusual for good, old-fashioned effort to be a foreign concept for WCMs, they will often woo and court by text exerting the least amount of effort possible and will expect a woman to jump at last-minute requests. “Come on over and jump on!” WCMs are wont to say, fully believing that they are the prize. ECMs are not afraid to pick up the phone, court you and ask you out one or two weeks in advance.

Where WCMs are soft, ECMs are brutally honest & thick-skinned.

Good luck being honest and direct with squishy WCMs, as they can’t handle the truth. They often need to be coddled and suckled (so keep a pacifier in your purse), are prone to whining and complaining while a WCW is charged with walking on eggshells to cater to the malleable ego of a WCM. What a glorious shitstorm of fun! ECMs can appreciate sass and banter, even when interlaced with truthful insults delivered with a smile. You don’t need to hold their hands or spend one hour doing therapy on them after delivering a zinger of a one-liner and putting them in their place.

Where WCMs are feminine energy, ECMs are masculine energy.

If you walk into a bar on the west coast, expect WCMs to ogle you for 20-30 minutes and let you walk out the door without ever coming up to you or asking for your number. If you are on the east coast and walk into a bar, a man will be on you in 5 minutes. If you leave your apartment and walk out onto the street, ECMs greet you with admiring eyes and testosteronal (is that a word?) acknowledgement. In short, ECMs are hunters where WCMs expect to be hunted. WCMs expect you (the bait) to chase them (the fish).

Where WCMs are temporally challenged, ECMs are as dependable as taxes & death.

If a WCM agrees to meet you at a certain time, you will either get a cancellation because he had a better offer, or is too tired to meet, or is in a bong-induced lazy stupor. If you are lucky, he will call you 10 minutes after you were scheduled to meet saying he is 5 minutes away and will finally show up in 45 minutes, thereby wasting an hour of your life. If an ECM says he will meet you at a certain time, you can bet on your unborn child’s eyes he will be there. He deems your time just as important as his. The difference? Manners vs. Narcissism. Manners = Thinking About Others. Narcissism = Thinking About Yourself.

Where WCMs are passive-aggressive, ECMs are assertive & blunt.

If you have dared to crush the ego of a WCM, watch out. You will never know it. They will repress their hostility and get back at you with all manner of passive-aggressive weapons. They might disappear, they might be disrespectful of your time, they might blatantly flirt with other women in front of you or sleep with your sister. But never will a WCM be upfront and state his truth. He can’t walk up to you in a bar, why would he have the courage to be honest? ECMs move at such a rapid clip in their professional lives that they don’t have time to play games or let their blood pressure climb by holding things in. Their operating manual dictates they approach people with: “Are you in, or are you out?” They show you the same courtesy of integrity. You will have no doubt where you stand with an ECM.

Where WCMs are chill, ECMs are shrill.

WCMs are cool with letting life happen to them, doing things on a whim, spending time in the outdoors. ECMs are like a salmon, swimming upstream against the current, preferring  to mold and shape their environment, making things happen. When things don’t go as planned, ECMs will turn shrill and go alpha. WCMs = Whatever. ECMs = Make it happen yesterday.

Where WCMs are feminists, ECMs are traditional.

Don’t be offended when a WCM lets a door slam in your face. He has been trained by aggressive WCWs pre-emptive “I can do it myself, what do you think I am helpless?” school of FemiNazis. He is surrounded by Danielle Steele’s and Jane Fonda’s types who have penis envy, so he hasn’t been trained in the field of manners. If you want a man to stand when you excuse yourself go to the ladies room or open your car door, head east.

Where WCMs are always looking for the next best thing, ECMs are commitment-oriented.

If you are on the west coast datescape, you will notice a disproportionate number of men who commit to women just in time to let them wipe the drool off their mouths. Thanks, but no thanks! WCMs  will decide to procreate at the last possible second, settling down well into their 40s and 50s, after trading in girls like real estate at Mach Speed looking for that elusive mirage of the perfect woman. Their late in life commitment is nothing but a relenting admission that their “perfect woman” myth was all one big, sad illusion. ECMs don’t see commitment or family as weak or settling. They see it as another measure of their personal success and a barometer of how psychologically sound of mind they are. They see what they want and close, no questions asked or nauseating self-doubt.

If I seem to be partial to ECMs, it’s because I am. One caveat however: a midwest or east coast transplant to the West Coast has a shelf life of two years, max. So if you are on the west coast looking for east coast transplants, you must grab them before their milk date expires, because they will soon become tainted by the permissive, feminine energy culture of the WCM, becoming spoiled, entitled, non-committal and narcissistic. Happy hunting (or being hunted!)