Tsunami Diss: Bay Area Jolted By Threat of Water Ripple

(AP) San Francisco has been straddling excitement and a fear of obliteration after news broke with a tsunami warning which originated from an 8.9 earthquake and tsunami in Japan. Like a scorned wife who has been cheated upon or an emotionally-bruised, war-torn veteran, emotions have been vacillating at Mach speed in an attempt to digest what is not going to happen to them.
 
“We’re all going to die!” was a sentiment shared by Berkeley native Oceana Rainstorm. While attempts were made to calm and soothe her with predictions of mere one to three foot wave threats at Ocean Beach over a 12-hour period, the effort to silence was fruitless. “My daughters called me this morning and shrieked, “Get off the train! Get off the train!” And only through the swift determination of this local hero to exit the train platform with panache, was she able to wipe the sweat from her brow and forge ahead towards the office where she faced yet more panic and confusion. 
 
Indeed, Bay Area natives have been longtime sufferers of drama starvation due to town efforts to quash any attempts at drama or fun.   “This town has really been biding its time in the last few years, just waiting for a notable event to make headlines. How long have we been waiting for the Big One? Why is God ignoring us? I mean, Chile, Argentina, and now Japan are all getting the nod. When will it be our turn? Folks have been anxiously waiting, pen in hand, to buy real estate after half this city goes to dust.” Although moods are resoundingly sullen, there is no question that Bay Area natives are carrying tides of anticipation and glee in spite of their feigned worry.
 
Meanwhile, as office trolls hoped to see some aquatic theater outside their office windows, the sea god Ophion, stubbornly kept the show on hold. “Sorry folks, show’s postponed! Times are tough and we didn’t have the budget this year for two tsunamis in a one month period. Now take it home, there’s nothing to see here.” San Francisco natives are reported to be organizing a protest at 5pm today demanding Ophion step down and be replaced with his wife, sea-nymph Eurynome. Says Bay Aquarium employee, C. Lemming: “Behind every great man is a great woman, and we think Eurynome is more fit to deliver the competitive edge that San Francisco needs to completely obliterate tourism. We think Eurynome could trump her husband’s impotent water ripples by transforming us into a rapidly emerging market in the tsunami industry. We would like to say to Indonesia and Japan: “Don’t underestimate the power of the puddle under the Golden Gate Bridge.”
 
Whether the planned protests this afternoon will succeed in prompting Ophion’s transferral of power to his wife remains to be seen, yet one thing is certain: If San Franciscans have lost their mojo after today’s tsunami disappointment, hopes are still flying high for the imminent earthquake which shall restore cataclysmic pride to the region and once again bring feelings of climatological relevancy.